I will die if light touches me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
