i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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