I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
