is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We were destined to go to rehab together
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
