I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
