I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
