it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
