Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
