She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
