My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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