he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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