Where did you get a picture of my penis
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
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