Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
