Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Randomize
