They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
