Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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