I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
