I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
