this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
MIDGETS
????
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
