i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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