i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My vagina just clenched in fear
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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