He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize