Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
