we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
