I am puke
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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