I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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