Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
