when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
