Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
