Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
