I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
