you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
