census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize