I hate your face
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
