Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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