My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
