I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
