Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
