I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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