I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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