1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
