Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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