who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
