I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
