I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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