You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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