Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
