the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
