if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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