found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
