I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
