Michael Bay diarrhea
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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