could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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