I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
