there's paper in my vomit.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
