haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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