Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
