enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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