I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
