if i can run in heels then i can drive
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
